Olivia Starke wishes you a....

Happy Halloween!

As some may know, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Trick or Treat, ghouls and goblins, costumes—this is the time of year to get your freaky side on.

As far as costumes go, I’ve found the perfect one if I were going to a Halloween party. For those in the know, you’ll immediately recognize this charming child is dressed as Jareth the Goblin King (photo via Pinterest.)

And for those who aren’t familiar with David Bowie’s role in Labrynth, a great pox shall fall upon your family!

I’ve researched a few sites for costumes, and am pretty floored by what I’ve found. And I wasn’t sure if I should LOL or *headdesk*

So above you see a Teletubby, which is a pretty good representation of the men’s costumes I found online.

And here’s the women’s…

Yup, slutty nurse covered in blood. And she’s slutty, did I mention that? Not that slutty is a bad thing, mind you, in the right context it’s darn right fun. But more and more it’s difficult to find any women’s costumes that don’t show as much skin as a medieval bar wench peddling her wares. And you are to wear these naughty things in public? Let’s compare men’s to women’s again.

Men’s

All right, get those cock jokes out of your system…

Women’s

All righty then, men, you are free to look as ridiculous as possible. But women, make sure to wax head to toe. And might as well forget about staying warm in those colder areas, your bits are alllll hanging out Halloween night! Unfortunately, the hoochie girl trend is strong for the prepubescent portion of the female population as well. Which makes me want to punch someone in the throat.

I mean, every parent wants their tween girls to dress like strippers right? There are guys out there with just such photos hidden in boxes in their basements, grateful to you for doing so. Or am I a prude? I can’t tell anymore.

But it’s okay, your son is safely dressed like a great big red M&M.

Olivia Starke

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