by Olivia Starke
As I’ve mentioned on previous occasions, my dating life is extinct. Much like the Dodo bird. Granted much of it is my fault seeing as how my little town is filled with men adorned with self-inked tattoos whose main source of income is cooking dope in their bathtubs. My standards are too high, at least according to their comments when I shoot down their advances.
Think of this guy, but with more hepatitis C and worse taste in clothing.
So yeah, much of my sex life is, er, self-motivated. I find it amusing how many men will cop to yankin’ the ol’ wienerschnitzel, but so few women will admit to riding the autoerotica train.
Some limp weiners for your consideration.
If mentioned in the wrong company you’ll be at best shunned, and lumped in with those who sell their bodies for crack. “Oh, that’s shameful. I’d NEVER do that!” before they rattle off something about the bible and some guy spilling his seed one time, blah blah blah. That’s about the time I get an annoying Your call cannot be completed as dialed recording in my brain.
All I can say is self-induced orgasms rock, and if you’re having a bad day they’re better than Prozac.
For future reference this is my orgasm face.
Not to mention knowing what works for your body is a blessing for your partner. If they’re awkwardly groping around for the magic Yeehaw! spot, being able to guide them in the right direction will benefit all parties involved. And showing them how to do it is even more fun ;;) And throwing in the toy/toys you’ve collected for your own gratification makes any ordinary love fest a plus one party.
So ladies, masturbation isn’t a shameful thing. Jump in there if you haven’t before, and find out what an awesome time you can have all by yourself ;;)
Indulge your book fetish:
Maddie takes a weekend camping trip to forget her two timing ex-boyfriend. Instead of peace and quiet, she stumbles upon two hunks who put the wild in wilderness. And they have plans of their own—to heat up her sexless life. An evening of rowdy lovin’ is just what she needs to get over her broken heart.
When she joins them in a trio that leaves her satisfied and exhausted, they have one more surprise in store called Midnight Madness...
Excerpt: Who the hell has an orgy in the middle of the wilderness?
Reported random animal attacks had been Maddie’s concern, not the harassing sounds of sex. She needed peace and quiet to lick her wounds and sort out her life. Not the lusty grunts of some overzealous man giving it to his lady. For the past two hours.
Seriously, two flippin’ hours? She charged through the woods, ready to rain on someone’s parade. They’d just have to find someplace else to have an obscenely loud lovefest.
“God, the nerve of some people.”
She batted at a fly buzzing around her head. So what if she hadn’t had an orgasm in four months—thanks to her selfish ex-boyfriend—well, not one that wasn’t self-induced. And who cared if sex had been nonexistent while the relationship had suffered a slow, painful death.
“Men suck. Certainly no marathon lovemaking for me anytime soon.” She yanked at a limb and flinched when it lashed back against her face, knocking her glasses off. Unreasonable anger boiled over.
“Son-of-a-bitch, piece of….” She kicked out at nothing in particular, giving in to the long overdue temper tantrum. Brambles hooked around her foot and she did a face plant on the leaf-covered forest floor. My utter lack of grace strikes again. Rolling onto her back, she spit out dirt and stuck a scraped finger into her mouth. The wound smarted, distracting her from her fury. She stared at the blue sky through the budding tree limbs, sweat breaking out on her brow. The unseasonably warm spring had driven her to seek a peaceful weekend camping retreat. Maybe she should’ve opted for a hotel with air-conditioning instead. And a six pack of beer, give or take another twelve pack.
“Oh God, yes! More, more, more….” The deep, male voice echoed through the hollow.
Maddie pummeled the ground with her fists. “You oversexed freak!” Her words were drowned out by the man’s grunts.
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